Ugh I know its been awhile but I have been swamped and tired and stressed. I miss sex. I know that is the last thing any of you want to hear but I miss it. Its not just the sex its also that companionship you get when you cuddle and talk afterword. Yes I'm that type of girl. I'm not much for a hit and quit it girl. Maybe I should learn to adjust to my surroundings but I just don't like the idea of having sex with somebody and then leaving. What if they have a disease or what if I accidentally get pregnant. I know that's crazy to think about and maybe I am overthinking it but is that so wrong? My mom always tells me that I overthink things and that's why I can never have any fun. But I have plenty of fun! I mean come on just because I overthink some things doesn't mean that I am a buzz kill. I can have fun I just like to make sure it's not fun that will end up killing me. Me and my roommate have been having fun the past three months we've been in college. We have went drinking, gotten drunk, and had a blast. I did it all without ending up in jail or a hospital so see overthinking isn't always a bad thing. It is when it comes to my relationships though. My ex and I have slowly drifted apart. That is normal I know but it sucks. He was like my best friend but I know he's making a better life and finding new and better people to hang out with. Its just the jealousy that gets me every once in awhile. I am moving on though. Don't get me wrong I am looking for my own fun but it's harder for me then it is for him. Not to be mean but I have high standards. Don't get those confused with impossible standards I just don't want some jobless druggie pulling me down. One of my friends always tells me that you can't help who you love but in a way you can. I learned in psychology class that the feeling of love comes from proximity along with some other fun chemical reactions in your brain. If you stay away then you have a better chance in avoiding unwanted love. So I'm trying to keep my distance. I am still healing but I would love somebody there to go out with and have some fun with. Having somebody there that texts me first in the morning and who is wondering what I'm up to. That would be really nice. My mom always says you always find love when you're not looking. Well I haven't been looking for awhile now and it still hasn't found me. Cross your fingers and hope for the best for me please. Being lonely is never fun. I just hope I can find somebody that really does care. My ex cared but he never loved me the way I needed to be loved and I didn't love him the way he needed to be loved. It was bad and I'll be over it some day I just hope there's somebody else out there waiting for a girl like me.

I have been busy with college and homework as well as with group projects. I hate group projects. First you have to find a time for everybody to get together and that is a nightmare. Then you all have to get together and work on something that nobody really cares about. Then people change stuff after you guys get done meeting and the teacher gives you a bad grade because that stuff wasn't on the syllabus. Really? Really guys you have to be kidding me. It is hard enough to get myself motivated to do my homework let alone get four other people on the same page as me. It is ridiculous. On top of that I swear my roommate hates me. Okay hate might be kind of a strong word. She started hanging out with her friend that she has known for six years and that is totally fine that is her right but its like I went away. She never wants to take pictures with me or go out with me but if her friend asks then shes okay with it. I'm not mad about it or anything it just makes me sad. We used to be close and have a lot of fun its just things have changed and I have to get used to it. Anyway more homework to get to I hope you all have a wonderful night.

It's been awhile since I posted here. I guess I wasn't in a blogging mood. Or maybe I didn't really have anything to blog about. My life has pretty much been the same. I'm still trying to get over my ex, school is still school, and I'm trying to find a second job. Life gets hard when you start having to pay for your own house and utilities. You think its all dandy and then BAM here comes the rent payment. I am ready for break already and its only been a month and a half into school. I'm trying to balance everything between school and work along with trying to go out and have fun. My ex and I had a falling out and are now more towards the not wanting to speak to each other side and I am just wanting somebody to ask me out. I mean I'm not looking for anything serious but I'm definitely not looking for a booty call. I just want somebody to talk to and have some fun with. My workouts have gotten a little tougher and I am trying to lose as much weight as I can. I want to look good and I want somebody to look at me and think of me like I used to think of him. It sucks to have someone there to go to for so long and then to lose them and to have them push you away and not give a crap. I have learned one big thing in my relationship history. There is always somebody who cares more than the other person in a relationship. There is always somebody with less to lose. My first boyfriend was the one that cared too much. He was the one that wanted more from me than I was willing to give. Now with this last one I was the one giving way too much and he was the one not giving anything. I think he loved me in his own way but it was never how I needed him to love me. He never loved me enough to keep me and I want somebody that is willing to fight for me. Is that too much to ask for? I want somebody that cares when we fight and that tries to work with me to make up for whatever it was that made us fight. I don't want somebody that blames me all of the damn time and then acts like he's sorry when it comes to proving that he was the one in the wrong. We were running around in circles and I am tired of running. I want to be the one somebody chases for once. Not in the creepy I am a stalker killer rapist chase but more in the I really like you we should go out sometime chase. Maybe I'm uglier than I thought or fatter then I thought. Maybe I'm not pretty enough to have someone want to chase me. I guess we will have to just wait and see. I hope you have all had a great day and I can't wait to see you again if you happen to stop by in the future.

I know its been awhile since my last post but I've been bombarded by school work and actual work. The more I get into the semester the more crap I have to learn to balance. Writing papers, tests, and quizzes. Like right now I'm at the library waiting for my group members to show up ant they are 30 minutes late. This is not the only thing I have to due tonight and I look a little weird sitting by myself in the library typing on my laptop. This is why I despise group projects. We have something due Sunday and we are just now getting together to figure out what to do with it. Groups almost never work unless you have people that actually like you in them. My love life is messed up, my schooling is long and boring, and I have to get another job. The sad thing is that I don't even like what I am majoring in. I would rather go to be a nurse or a doctor, but I can't afford either of those and I am really hesitant to put myself under a crap ton of loans just to get the degree that I want. I have like a year left and then I will have a Bachelors degree in Business management. Wow that will sure get me places huh? Well I guess I'll just keep doing it until I finish it and see where it takes me. Wish me luck....

Hello everyone! Again. Well the next biggest thing on my agenda since my last post is what I want to be for Halloween. I know it is EXTREMELY early but the earlier I figure it out the easier it will be. This is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the cool air the leaves changing color and Halloween. Its the only time of the year you can dress like anything you want and not get judged for it. Most girls my age go for the "It's Halloween so I can look like a whore and dress in my underwear." Don't get me wrong I like to feel sexy and since losing weight I can't wait to show off my new body. I just don't know what I want to be. I don't exactly know what I want to be yet. Last two years me and my ex were together and we wanted to kind of go together. Also he didn't like me looking too terribly sexy without him so I got my Halloween costumes mostly for him. One year I was his undead bride and then I was his sexy cop. Now that I look back I understand that he was a little too controlling. This year I can do what I want and the possibilities are limitless which makes my decision even harder. I am trying to lose enough weight to look my best. That way Halloween can be a blast for me. I can look good and maybe have a little more fun then usual. I am getting excited and I cant wait to see what's going to happen!! If anybody has any ideas feel free to comment! Everybody have fun I have to go and study for my tests on Friday!

Hello fellow homosapien's. If you don't know what that means I just called you a human so don't worry there was no inappropriate name calling.... yet. So still as confused as ever. I'm not sure I will ever not be confused. Interesting things happened this weekend. My uncle Jimmy died on this weekend twenty years ago and that really sucked for my mom. On top of that my dad was mowing his five archers of land and he flipped the mower over on himself. Yes I know its an odd thing to do and so many people keep asking me "How can you flip a riding lawn mower?" Well its possible. Get a steep enough incline and it will happen. My dad broke 9 ribs and he also fractured his lower back. So that was a fun update to us. Does anyone realize how much an ambulance ride is? Well his was around $10,000. I know I know there are people out there reading this and going "Well as long as he got to the hospital alright that's all that should matter". You're right that's all that really matters until you find out how much you have to pay for two nights in the ER, the ambulance ride, the nurses, the pain meds he was put on, the doctors, and his hospital food. It's a ridiculous amount! I mean there is so much that goes into treating a person in the hospital. If you get hurt its about equivalent of buying a brand new house to fix a couple of broken bones. I feel so bad for my dad though. He is such an active person and not being able to move is really messing him up. But enough of the depressing news. I hope everybody is having a good labor day weekend. It's pretty much a farewell weekend to summer and you start to  realize that soon there will be snow and cold and all of the trees and grass will be dead. I don't mind winter. All of my nicer clothes are winter clothes because I am always in school and I like to look fairly decent at school in case I can pick up some nice looking guy. I'm joking. I am still in love with my ex and it would be unfair to go out with somebody that actually likes me when I know my heart wouldn't be into it. Speaking of my ex I am such a horn dog. He's two states away and he can still turn me on by how he talks to me and just simple pictures of him smiling. I am such a sap. I miss him and I am deprived of certain pleasures. It's not like I couldn't go out to a bar and get somebody to satisfy my needs I am just not that type of girl. A one night stand is not what I'm looking for. I want to wake up to somebody whose as happy to see me as I am to see them. When I woke up with my ex he would wrap his arms around me still half asleep and kiss my neck. Then he would whisper to me not to go. Oh that was the best feeling. When somebody wants you. Just like Jason Derulos' new song Want You to Want Me I want somebody to want me. By the way that was not an endorsement for his songs or him. I just think he is VERY good looking and I like his voice. But I want somebody to want me. I mean who wouldn't? You want to find somebody that loves you for you and makes you excited to wake up next to them everyday. I want that back but I don't know when I'll find it. I guess nobody does. Its like Russian roulette you hit a bunch of duds and then one day you get one that blows your mind. That was a very morbid way of explaining myself but in a weird way it kind of works. Anyway I have to drive back to college so I hope you all had a safe and exciting weekend!! Call your parents if you can and just say hello. You never know when they won't be there for you anymore. Take it from me a parent in the hospital with a broken back sure does make you wake up.

Woke up today and felt like crap. Yep happens sometimes huh? The sad part is that it wasn't because I was up all night partying and getting drunk (which is what I should be doing right now) it was because I stayed up too late. How lame am I? I did homework all night. Ugh I am so lame. I should go out and get drunk, be free, and kiss random strangers. I don't have a boyfriend anymore and one of the small perks of that is there is no one to tell me what I can and cannot do. We used to have little rules for each other. Not that he ever paid attention to the rules that he had. He was more concerned with what I was doing and he could do whatever. I wasn't supposed to go out and drink or party. His excuse was he didn't trust the guys at college. Hmm maybe he didn't trust them because he knew what he wanted to do so he assumed they thought the same as him. I didn't know it but I got so tired of somebody telling me what I could and couldn't do. Don't get me wrong it was nice to have somebody that cares about your safety but I had a mom for a reason. I loved him though so I listened to him and did what he wanted. He was the exact opposite. Every time I turned around he would have some excuse as to why it was okay for him to break the rules or why it was "just this time". I am just so tired of that bullshit. Why can't people just be honest? Yea it will hurt me. It might hurt me but damn I would rather have you be honest then you lie to me to "protect me". That's such bullshit. You didn't lie to protect them. You lied to protect yourself. When you looked at the situation it was easier for you to lie and get away with it then it was for you to tell the truth and face the music. I am sorry if you're reading this blog and all you see is me talking about my ex. It wasn't meant to be that way. It was more to write about my life and our breakup is a big part of my life right now. Looking back I was stupid to stay with him for so long. I should have seen the signs and realized that I deserved better. No he didn't beat me but it was more of a mental thing. He made me feel like I was a bad person or that everything was my fault. I should have known better when even his mother told me I deserved better. HIS MOTHER! I know she loves him but she told me that she loved me like a daughter and she couldn't watch me hurt myself over and over again. I just need to stop caring and just care about myself right now. Waking up each day it gets easier. I ignore his texts most of the time and I need to just cut him off. I need to make room for myself and being alone. Right now I don't need anybody else. I'll just go to school and work and focus on that. If you are out there and you are going through something similar I feel you're pain and I hope it gets better for you. Nobody should have to go through the pain and hurt that I felt. Then again without the pain we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good that comes to us. So here's to the good, the bad, and the ugly. Hopefully you see more of the good in your life then the other two.

I know its been a few days but its been a hard few days. One of my best friends just up and moved to Oregon and my ex seems to not want to talk to me anymore. I get it he's my ex for a reason. He broke up with me. HE. BROKE. UP. WITH. ME. I have to keep telling myself that. I have to keep reminding myself that he is the ass that left me. He is the reason I cried myself to sleep for a week straight. The reason I lost 15 pounds in a week. Okay last one wasn't the worst of it. It was good to get my weight loss started but I lost those 15 pounds because I couldn't eat. I couldn't take the thought of food going down my throat into my stomach. My stomach knew I wanted to look good. I always lose weight when going threw a breakup. Its like my body knows I need to get in shape. It knows that I will feel better if I look better. Don't get me wrong I LOVE working out. I'm not in the best of shapes. I am slim but I am nowhere near skinny even though my roommate seems to think that I am. Despite that I just can't help but be active. I need to go running, walking, and jogging. My body needs to burn energy. I can't just stay stagnant. Also I always get in this mind set when somebody breaks up with me. Like my mind says screw that person I will make you look hotter and better then you ever did with them. I do end up looking better. I start wearing the right kind of makeup and I lose a whole bunch of weight. Then I see them a few weeks later and they always comment on it. For example my most recent ex saw me at the local fair a month after we broke up. He ended texting me off of his best friends phone because his was dead. Mind you his best friend was also one of my ex's. No I am not a homie hopper. I dated him before my most recent ex ever moved to town. We'll call the old ex C. Well C still kept trying to get back together with me. He kept trying and trying. I just couldn't take it. Not with breaking up with what I thought was the love of my life and then C trying to get with me. You have got to be kidding me. A girl can only take so much. Well anyway my new ex texted me on C's phone because his was dead. This was right after he saw me and it said "That's one way to get a new man". Who in the HELL says that crap. No YOU broke up with ME. That severed your rights to get jealous over me. Gosh dang. Then he had the damn nerve to text me that he missed me! Seriously! Then the next day I find out that he is seeing someone else! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! No I would not be the girl that causes another girl hurt just because my asshole of an ex wants to tell me you miss me. No he didn't miss me. He missed have someone around all of the damn time that he was comfortable with. He missed the constant sex and maybe he even missed the company. I don't know anymore. I feel like I loved way too hard and he just didn't have it in him to love the way I needed.

  Anyway we ended up talking on and off a little bit after that. Just as friends I didn't want anymore. All I wanted to know is that the two and a half years I had spent on him were worth something for him. I felt like I wasted so much time for nothing. Then it was the day before he had to leave and we went fishing. Can you believe that? I went fishing with somebody that had stabbed me in the heart multiple times. I just wanted one day. One day to just be friends. I just wanted no fighting, no expectations, no hurt. He gave me that one day. It was amazing. As I picked him up and we started on our way we joked a little bit. I was biting back my hurt. The pull from him was almost tangible, You could feel it in the air but I ignored it. That was not what I was there for. I was there for the friendship we used to have. For the relationship that started out nearly perfect. I was there to sew up what wound I had and to find closure. He kept looking at me and we were messing around like nothing had changed. Like it was still just me and him against the world. Every once and a while he would mumble to himself telling himself not to do something he might regret. I had no idea why he kept doing it so I just ignored it and kept a shield up. I just wanted a good day that's all I needed. We got to the lake and I parked. We got everything out and started fishing. I saw a rock that I could sit on to fish from and he went down a bit further to make sure our lines didn't get tangled. Of course I got my line stuck on something and he came over laughing and trying to help me. He ended up slipping and we were there. Face to face we froze and all I could do was look into his eyes. The eyes I had stared into so many times. The eyes I had seen crying, angry, and happy. Then he kissed me. It was deep and hungry. The kiss I dream about. I will admit I kissed back. Emotions sprang up inside me I didn't know I was feeling. My kiss was for the girl I when we had first started kissing. It was for the love that we used to have and for the love lost. I kissed back just as hard. I hadn't known it but I had been waiting for that. When he pulled away he sat down. He apologized and told me he was afraid that I wouldn't want it. I knew that it was just for that day. I knew that my love for him could only go so far and that he was moving. I wasn't foolish. I told him I just wanted one day. That was before and I told him after the kiss as I hugged him. I just wanted one day. He pulled back and asked "What if I don't want just today?". I may have been blinded by love before but I wasn't now. I knew that him wanting more than just one day wouldn't work. I couldn't do it and I knew neither could he. That was my day to say goodbye and I made the best of it. I spent the night with him and when I woke up I was pissed but that is a whole other story. We both cried and hugged each other. I knew he'd be happier where he was going and I know it was good for me that he left. I still miss him like hell and he texts me ever once and awhile but I know it won't last. I have a tripped planned to go see his parents over my winter break. Yes I am still very good friends with his mother and step father. He is supposed to be going with me as is his cousin. I will pick her up along the way and we are going to fly to him then on to Oregon. It will be a nice vacation for me, hopefully. I'm hoping my heart is ready for me to see him and know that he isn't mine anymore. I have four months so I can only hope. Have a great night everybody and for anybody out there feeling sad and lonely tonight I am with you. Chin up it will get better. :)

  Hello random people out there! I woke up today and it realized it is my weekend off. Oh how nice that is to think about. I don't have to get up and go to work smiling at people that yell at and act like them berating me didn't bother me. One of my best friends is moving to Oregon. That's a big change from here. There will be trees and water and green. Just anything green. It sucks to have to drive at least an hour and a half to see water. I will miss her so much though. Strange thing is..... she's my ex's mother. I became great friends with her and I can't imagine where I would be today without her. The freakiest thing about it is we are EXACTLY alike. We both love art and drawing. We love to read and we like the same music. We have the same body types and its freaky. I am so glad I met her she has gotten me through a lot. We have both been through a lot. Its hard not to go through a lot after three years of knowing each other. She even offered for me to move with them. Oh wouldn't that be fun? Just to pick up and leave. Run away like nothing matters. But it does matter. I cant leave my mother behind. Can't leave my brother. My mom is disabled. Not like she cant get around by herself but as she gets older its gets harder for her and I cant stand the idea of her being alone. She is a strong beautiful person. She will never admit it but she's getting older and its getting harder for her. My mother has been there for everything for me and there is no way I would pick up and just leave her. I will not have her be alone for the rest of her life that is unfair to her and it would be wrong of me. I mean she is my MOTHER. You cant get much closer than that.

  Still I dream of the day when I can pick up and leave. I can't wait till I can change scenery. Meet new people make new friends. All of my friends that I had here moved on and went to start their lives somewhere else. I want to have the courage to do that. Just uproot and go to the unknown. I only have one year and a semester left of school and then I can choose any place I can get a job. Maybe I could take my mom with me. Get her a house that she would love. My goal is to work hard and give her her dream house with her bills paid. She has worked hard her whole life pushing to make ends meet and I want to be the one to hand her the keys to her house and say "It's yours". That would be the greatest feeling. I am hoping I can find a job that gives me enough money to help her out. I have dreams and aspirations too but I can wait for mine as long as my family is safe and comfortable that will be enough to satisfy me.

  On the subject of my birthday celebration it was great. Went out with a couple of friends had dinner drank a little and then went home and fell asleep. It was a good day. I am so thankful for my friends and family. I had to respond to all the posts on facebook of the people wishing me a happy bday. I went through and thanked everybody. It was a good day and I cant wait till my 21st. Then I can go out and actually drink with my friends and not have to be the babysitter anymore. Well hope everybody had a great day as well and till I type again have a great night.

Looks like my life isn't very interesting to many people. Actually no people at all. No views for awhile. Everybody has their own lives to live though. They have work, school, kids, spouses, friends, lovers, or maybe they don't. If they don't I hope they will find someone. Being alone is never fun.

 Today was my birthday. I woke up to 0 text messages and 0 phone calls missed. I got up fairly late since my only class today started at 1:30. But I was lucky enough to wake up to one of my good friends. My roommate is crazy she's funny and beautiful. I couldn't have picked a better one. All morning she kept popping into my room screaming "It's your birthday!". It was the best alarm clock I could have asked for. She is such a great person and it makes me feel lucky to have someone like her in my life. She has been through a lot with me in the year that we have known each other. I am so grateful I met her. She's about as crazy as me and we have a total blast together. Hence this morning we went through our motions and she was nice enough to make sure I was up and ready for the day before she left.

By the time I finished my morning rituals I went back to check my phone and all of my friends and family had blown it up. The happy birthday wishes were piling up. It made my day. Then my older brother Rob put a post on Facebook that almost made me cry. We are not the lovey dovey type of siblings. When we see each other we don't hug or even touch. Him and I have just never been that way. When I read his post I realized that he loves me more than I thought. He wrote that he was proud of me and that I was the kindest most caring person that he knows. That means so much to me. I have looked up to him my entire life. He is the reason I pushed myself so hard. I always worked for him to be proud of me, for him to be proud that I was his sister. Yes he can be a total jerk. He can be selfish and mean but he can also be sweet. He has this soft side not many people see. When I see him around children or somebody who is mentally impaired there is a whole other side to him. The gentle way he treats them and the patients that he has with them is astounding. That's my favorite side of him. He has been hurt so much during his life. He was hurt by our dad, his first love, basically anybody that he let close to him and it breaks my heart to see him hurt. I am scared he will miss out on the love of his life because he will be too scared to let her in. I couldn't take him being alone for the rest of his life. He deserves the best. I want everybody to find their true love. To find a love that baffles you, astounds you, even takes your breath away. Its out there. I know it is. I can feel it. I can see my brother with the love of his life and a whole bunch of little Robs running around. That would make him so happy I know it would. If he could just let someone in. I hurt when he hurts. I hurt when anybody around me is hurting because I know how they feel or I can empathize with their situations. It sucks to hurt but that means when you find something good that you can appreciate it. I hope all of you find your true loves. Sounds corny I know but I hope you find that one person that is there for you no matter what. If you don't have anybody right now I am here for you. I realize that that might sound kind of creepy but its not meant to be that way. No matter where you are or who you are I care about your happiness. I don't want to see anybody hurt but its a fact of life it will happen. Just wait and sooner or later the pain and tears will become bearable and then you will wake up one day and the hurt will just be a dull ache in your chest. Stay strong. You are a good person and you deserve the best. No matter what you have been through in life everybody has good in them. You just have to be patients enough to find it.

Has anyone ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend for an extended amount of time? You probably have and if you haven't well I'm sure one day you'll get one! Anyway I just got out of a relationship that I had with a boy for 2 1/2 years. I thought he was the love of my life. Yes at 17 I thought I had found the one. That isn't too hard to imagine. He was my first. My first love, my first to go all the way with, my first of most anything. Now before him I had had a few boyfriends. Don't get me wrong it wasn't like I had leprosy or anything but I wasn't much for dating in high school. Most of the guys I knew were my friends. I was the one they went to when they wanted advise on how to ask a girl out or what should they do on the first date. I was good at being friends with them. I honestly wanted nothing more from them. The girls that knew me knew I would never go for their boyfriends. I'm not that type of person. I was the best friend never the girl friend. I didn't mind it that way. I mean my first boyfriend was a boy I had known since 7th grade and I only dated him because of a bet. That is a story for another day though. I met my first love when I went to McDonalds to get a snack after basketball practice (healthy right?). It was me and another girl that I used to be really good friends with and we got out of my car and went to go into the fast food place. Well I had known Izzy (lets just call him Izzy for the sake of anonymity) for a few weeks before this. We had been joking around and going back and forth. He seemed interested but rarely did I pick up on these things and he was NOT my type. He had just broken up with his girlfriend just a few weeks before this and I was just expecting him to be looking for a rebound.

 I always joked with everybody and asked them if they wanted to make out. Most people joked back and agreed to meet me at a specific time and place. I had done this a few times with him. Well this day he was working the drive through window. He opened it and leaned out. He yelled a hello and I waved at him in passing then he yelled for my number. I just laughed and kept walking not taking him seriously. Then he got a serious look on his face and repeated his request. I never saw him like that. I didn't want anybody at the moment. I was getting ready to graduate and move on to college. A summer romance was the last thing on my mind. Well I always say "Say yes to something once, if you don't like it don't do it again." That of course excludes some illegal activities and drugs. So I thought it through and I yelled my number at him and went on with my day. He took about thirty minutes to text me first. He had dated the girl I was hanging out with and he had her number too. She had screwed him over and never really liked him so they just went back to being friends. Izzy had to text her to get my number because he didn't remember it after I had yelled it at him. After that we started to hang out. Our first kiss was awkward and slobbery. We were awkward and just didn't seem to fit. I didn't want to fall in love with somebody, I mean I had to leave in three months. He had other plans. Oh I hate to fall for anyone. I fight and push you away because I know once I say yes, and give in, I fall HARD. That's what happened. Oh I fell hard and I have loved him ever since. We had hard times but for the first nine months of our relationship I was in pure bliss. He and I fit together like we were made for each other. I would have done anything for him. Oh I loved him and to be honest I still do. Its hard to shut off your emotions even after your hearts been stomped on. He hurt me a lot. The first time he broke up with me shattered my world. Yes I say first time because it happened three times. The third time was the hardest because I knew it was done for good. I know that most of you will be judging me because I went back to him but I loved him. There wasn't a moment that I didn't want him until I found out some of the things he had done. That is another section of my post I will share later.

I had never felt something so painful. I know I sound like a weak teenager in a Romeo and Juliet style book but it was different. He was my first love. I thought I would spend my life with him. We planned our lives together he asked me to marry him three time. No not just once but THREE times. Yet he kept hurting me. I gave him everything but that wasn't enough for him. He was 18 and yearning to be free and I was 18 and wanting to be his, only his. I have never loved so hard. He had a hold on me and I couldn't turn away. I have always believed in him. He had so many chances to become the man I knew he could be, but he never wanted it. He never believed in himself like I did. I just want the best for him but its hard to see someone walk away from you and to know that they aren't yours any more. I have prayed for my heart to not care. I have begged for me not to hurt anymore. I know it will take time but eventually I will be ok enough to just be friends with him and wish him the best. I have so much more to say but this post is long already so to be continued..... Here is the statement of the day: If you have someone that loves you, and I mean really LOVES you, don't let them walk out the door. You wont find many people out there that have a pure enough heart to love you for who you are. If you find that person hold them tight and make them feel glad to be with you everyday. And if you already found them go give them a kiss and tell them you love them because you can never do that enough. You are very lucky to have found them if you did and I can only hope that one day I can find that.

Welcome to Life's A Beach. If you're here for some fascinating and ground breaking reading well I'm afraid you will probably be sorely disappointed. This a blog about my life just like many other blogs out there. It's more of  diary for somebody who finds typing is easier than writing. I don't mind writing don't get me wrong I think it is becoming a skill that is taken for granted. People would rather post their lives on social media then right a letter to a friend. It's sad to see the world change so much in such a short amount of time. I mean in my short twenty years CD players were replaced with iPods, dial up was replaced with WiFi, and computers went from setting on the table to setting in your hand. Now I was not there for the big things like the first computer but things have really changed since my birth. It's really mind blowing to see the changes in just a few years.

Anyway away from that tangent anybody else going back to college around now? It's ridiculous what these schools get from us. I shouldn't be going to school for Business Management, I should be going to school to write a text book! I just spent $300 on two books. Really? $300? Then the teachers try to explain away the reason for having to buy a book that just came out "Oh well they changed one chapter and last years book is outdated". Well ok would you like to pay for my books? To some people that wouldn't be much or their books cost a great deal more but to me that is still a lot of money. I worked for that money and each year I see it dwindle away in books. I know its going towards college but I mean come on in some countries college is free! That is ridiculous. With the way this is going the only people going to college will be the wealthy and the lower part of society will be cleaning and doing the jobs that the rich will be to good for. Not the future I would like to live in.

Now I sound like a snooty college student that thinks they know everything. Let me be the first to admit I do not know everything. Not even close! I have lived one fourth of my life and I haven't even been out of the country! I would love to go to places like Ireland, Greece, Iceland, and Alaska. See the world as it is. Even in the United States there are some amazing places. Yellowstone National Park, Las Vegas, Colorado Rockies, and even just the simple things along the way. This world is wonderful and I can't wait to see it. Neither should you whoever you may be. Just because you aren't there now doesn't mean you can't get there someday. Or if you are already on the trip of a lifetime take it all in! You are one of the few that get to experience those kinds of places. It is an awesome gift to have the ability to go and do fun and exciting new things. So may people take their time for granted and say I'll get it later. I say go and get it now while you can. Don't wait for retirement when you are aged and tired from a life time of work. Take that vacation now. Save up and plan. Time is such a fleeting thing and you cant expect to be this age forever.

As you can see I am a very diverse person. I tend to go off on many tangents and I lose track of my thoughts but it helps to see words on a screen and think that maybe someone somewhere out there is reading the words that I posted here today. As for today I am done ranting but I would like to leave with a thought of the day. Don't waste time, because you don't know how much you have. You may expect an endless amount but it could end anytime. Don't take for granted the things that you have in your life but really take it all in. Life is short. Like my mom says Life's a Beach and then you die.