I know its been a few days but its been a hard few days. One of my best friends just up and moved to Oregon and my ex seems to not want to talk to me anymore. I get it he's my ex for a reason. He broke up with me. HE. BROKE. UP. WITH. ME. I have to keep telling myself that. I have to keep reminding myself that he is the ass that left me. He is the reason I cried myself to sleep for a week straight. The reason I lost 15 pounds in a week. Okay last one wasn't the worst of it. It was good to get my weight loss started but I lost those 15 pounds because I couldn't eat. I couldn't take the thought of food going down my throat into my stomach. My stomach knew I wanted to look good. I always lose weight when going threw a breakup. Its like my body knows I need to get in shape. It knows that I will feel better if I look better. Don't get me wrong I LOVE working out. I'm not in the best of shapes. I am slim but I am nowhere near skinny even though my roommate seems to think that I am. Despite that I just can't help but be active. I need to go running, walking, and jogging. My body needs to burn energy. I can't just stay stagnant. Also I always get in this mind set when somebody breaks up with me. Like my mind says screw that person I will make you look hotter and better then you ever did with them. I do end up looking better. I start wearing the right kind of makeup and I lose a whole bunch of weight. Then I see them a few weeks later and they always comment on it. For example my most recent ex saw me at the local fair a month after we broke up. He ended texting me off of his best friends phone because his was dead. Mind you his best friend was also one of my ex's. No I am not a homie hopper. I dated him before my most recent ex ever moved to town. We'll call the old ex C. Well C still kept trying to get back together with me. He kept trying and trying. I just couldn't take it. Not with breaking up with what I thought was the love of my life and then C trying to get with me. You have got to be kidding me. A girl can only take so much. Well anyway my new ex texted me on C's phone because his was dead. This was right after he saw me and it said "That's one way to get a new man". Who in the HELL says that crap. No YOU broke up with ME. That severed your rights to get jealous over me. Gosh dang. Then he had the damn nerve to text me that he missed me! Seriously! Then the next day I find out that he is seeing someone else! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! No I would not be the girl that causes another girl hurt just because my asshole of an ex wants to tell me you miss me. No he didn't miss me. He missed have someone around all of the damn time that he was comfortable with. He missed the constant sex and maybe he even missed the company. I don't know anymore. I feel like I loved way too hard and he just didn't have it in him to love the way I needed.

  Anyway we ended up talking on and off a little bit after that. Just as friends I didn't want anymore. All I wanted to know is that the two and a half years I had spent on him were worth something for him. I felt like I wasted so much time for nothing. Then it was the day before he had to leave and we went fishing. Can you believe that? I went fishing with somebody that had stabbed me in the heart multiple times. I just wanted one day. One day to just be friends. I just wanted no fighting, no expectations, no hurt. He gave me that one day. It was amazing. As I picked him up and we started on our way we joked a little bit. I was biting back my hurt. The pull from him was almost tangible, You could feel it in the air but I ignored it. That was not what I was there for. I was there for the friendship we used to have. For the relationship that started out nearly perfect. I was there to sew up what wound I had and to find closure. He kept looking at me and we were messing around like nothing had changed. Like it was still just me and him against the world. Every once and a while he would mumble to himself telling himself not to do something he might regret. I had no idea why he kept doing it so I just ignored it and kept a shield up. I just wanted a good day that's all I needed. We got to the lake and I parked. We got everything out and started fishing. I saw a rock that I could sit on to fish from and he went down a bit further to make sure our lines didn't get tangled. Of course I got my line stuck on something and he came over laughing and trying to help me. He ended up slipping and we were there. Face to face we froze and all I could do was look into his eyes. The eyes I had stared into so many times. The eyes I had seen crying, angry, and happy. Then he kissed me. It was deep and hungry. The kiss I dream about. I will admit I kissed back. Emotions sprang up inside me I didn't know I was feeling. My kiss was for the girl I when we had first started kissing. It was for the love that we used to have and for the love lost. I kissed back just as hard. I hadn't known it but I had been waiting for that. When he pulled away he sat down. He apologized and told me he was afraid that I wouldn't want it. I knew that it was just for that day. I knew that my love for him could only go so far and that he was moving. I wasn't foolish. I told him I just wanted one day. That was before and I told him after the kiss as I hugged him. I just wanted one day. He pulled back and asked "What if I don't want just today?". I may have been blinded by love before but I wasn't now. I knew that him wanting more than just one day wouldn't work. I couldn't do it and I knew neither could he. That was my day to say goodbye and I made the best of it. I spent the night with him and when I woke up I was pissed but that is a whole other story. We both cried and hugged each other. I knew he'd be happier where he was going and I know it was good for me that he left. I still miss him like hell and he texts me ever once and awhile but I know it won't last. I have a tripped planned to go see his parents over my winter break. Yes I am still very good friends with his mother and step father. He is supposed to be going with me as is his cousin. I will pick her up along the way and we are going to fly to him then on to Oregon. It will be a nice vacation for me, hopefully. I'm hoping my heart is ready for me to see him and know that he isn't mine anymore. I have four months so I can only hope. Have a great night everybody and for anybody out there feeling sad and lonely tonight I am with you. Chin up it will get better. :)