It's been awhile since I posted here. I guess I wasn't in a blogging mood. Or maybe I didn't really have anything to blog about. My life has pretty much been the same. I'm still trying to get over my ex, school is still school, and I'm trying to find a second job. Life gets hard when you start having to pay for your own house and utilities. You think its all dandy and then BAM here comes the rent payment. I am ready for break already and its only been a month and a half into school. I'm trying to balance everything between school and work along with trying to go out and have fun. My ex and I had a falling out and are now more towards the not wanting to speak to each other side and I am just wanting somebody to ask me out. I mean I'm not looking for anything serious but I'm definitely not looking for a booty call. I just want somebody to talk to and have some fun with. My workouts have gotten a little tougher and I am trying to lose as much weight as I can. I want to look good and I want somebody to look at me and think of me like I used to think of him. It sucks to have someone there to go to for so long and then to lose them and to have them push you away and not give a crap. I have learned one big thing in my relationship history. There is always somebody who cares more than the other person in a relationship. There is always somebody with less to lose. My first boyfriend was the one that cared too much. He was the one that wanted more from me than I was willing to give. Now with this last one I was the one giving way too much and he was the one not giving anything. I think he loved me in his own way but it was never how I needed him to love me. He never loved me enough to keep me and I want somebody that is willing to fight for me. Is that too much to ask for? I want somebody that cares when we fight and that tries to work with me to make up for whatever it was that made us fight. I don't want somebody that blames me all of the damn time and then acts like he's sorry when it comes to proving that he was the one in the wrong. We were running around in circles and I am tired of running. I want to be the one somebody chases for once. Not in the creepy I am a stalker killer rapist chase but more in the I really like you we should go out sometime chase. Maybe I'm uglier than I thought or fatter then I thought. Maybe I'm not pretty enough to have someone want to chase me. I guess we will have to just wait and see. I hope you have all had a great day and I can't wait to see you again if you happen to stop by in the future.

I know its been awhile since my last post but I've been bombarded by school work and actual work. The more I get into the semester the more crap I have to learn to balance. Writing papers, tests, and quizzes. Like right now I'm at the library waiting for my group members to show up ant they are 30 minutes late. This is not the only thing I have to due tonight and I look a little weird sitting by myself in the library typing on my laptop. This is why I despise group projects. We have something due Sunday and we are just now getting together to figure out what to do with it. Groups almost never work unless you have people that actually like you in them. My love life is messed up, my schooling is long and boring, and I have to get another job. The sad thing is that I don't even like what I am majoring in. I would rather go to be a nurse or a doctor, but I can't afford either of those and I am really hesitant to put myself under a crap ton of loans just to get the degree that I want. I have like a year left and then I will have a Bachelors degree in Business management. Wow that will sure get me places huh? Well I guess I'll just keep doing it until I finish it and see where it takes me. Wish me luck....

Hello everyone! Again. Well the next biggest thing on my agenda since my last post is what I want to be for Halloween. I know it is EXTREMELY early but the earlier I figure it out the easier it will be. This is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the cool air the leaves changing color and Halloween. Its the only time of the year you can dress like anything you want and not get judged for it. Most girls my age go for the "It's Halloween so I can look like a whore and dress in my underwear." Don't get me wrong I like to feel sexy and since losing weight I can't wait to show off my new body. I just don't know what I want to be. I don't exactly know what I want to be yet. Last two years me and my ex were together and we wanted to kind of go together. Also he didn't like me looking too terribly sexy without him so I got my Halloween costumes mostly for him. One year I was his undead bride and then I was his sexy cop. Now that I look back I understand that he was a little too controlling. This year I can do what I want and the possibilities are limitless which makes my decision even harder. I am trying to lose enough weight to look my best. That way Halloween can be a blast for me. I can look good and maybe have a little more fun then usual. I am getting excited and I cant wait to see what's going to happen!! If anybody has any ideas feel free to comment! Everybody have fun I have to go and study for my tests on Friday!

Hello fellow homosapien's. If you don't know what that means I just called you a human so don't worry there was no inappropriate name calling.... yet. So still as confused as ever. I'm not sure I will ever not be confused. Interesting things happened this weekend. My uncle Jimmy died on this weekend twenty years ago and that really sucked for my mom. On top of that my dad was mowing his five archers of land and he flipped the mower over on himself. Yes I know its an odd thing to do and so many people keep asking me "How can you flip a riding lawn mower?" Well its possible. Get a steep enough incline and it will happen. My dad broke 9 ribs and he also fractured his lower back. So that was a fun update to us. Does anyone realize how much an ambulance ride is? Well his was around $10,000. I know I know there are people out there reading this and going "Well as long as he got to the hospital alright that's all that should matter". You're right that's all that really matters until you find out how much you have to pay for two nights in the ER, the ambulance ride, the nurses, the pain meds he was put on, the doctors, and his hospital food. It's a ridiculous amount! I mean there is so much that goes into treating a person in the hospital. If you get hurt its about equivalent of buying a brand new house to fix a couple of broken bones. I feel so bad for my dad though. He is such an active person and not being able to move is really messing him up. But enough of the depressing news. I hope everybody is having a good labor day weekend. It's pretty much a farewell weekend to summer and you start to  realize that soon there will be snow and cold and all of the trees and grass will be dead. I don't mind winter. All of my nicer clothes are winter clothes because I am always in school and I like to look fairly decent at school in case I can pick up some nice looking guy. I'm joking. I am still in love with my ex and it would be unfair to go out with somebody that actually likes me when I know my heart wouldn't be into it. Speaking of my ex I am such a horn dog. He's two states away and he can still turn me on by how he talks to me and just simple pictures of him smiling. I am such a sap. I miss him and I am deprived of certain pleasures. It's not like I couldn't go out to a bar and get somebody to satisfy my needs I am just not that type of girl. A one night stand is not what I'm looking for. I want to wake up to somebody whose as happy to see me as I am to see them. When I woke up with my ex he would wrap his arms around me still half asleep and kiss my neck. Then he would whisper to me not to go. Oh that was the best feeling. When somebody wants you. Just like Jason Derulos' new song Want You to Want Me I want somebody to want me. By the way that was not an endorsement for his songs or him. I just think he is VERY good looking and I like his voice. But I want somebody to want me. I mean who wouldn't? You want to find somebody that loves you for you and makes you excited to wake up next to them everyday. I want that back but I don't know when I'll find it. I guess nobody does. Its like Russian roulette you hit a bunch of duds and then one day you get one that blows your mind. That was a very morbid way of explaining myself but in a weird way it kind of works. Anyway I have to drive back to college so I hope you all had a safe and exciting weekend!! Call your parents if you can and just say hello. You never know when they won't be there for you anymore. Take it from me a parent in the hospital with a broken back sure does make you wake up.

Woke up today and felt like crap. Yep happens sometimes huh? The sad part is that it wasn't because I was up all night partying and getting drunk (which is what I should be doing right now) it was because I stayed up too late. How lame am I? I did homework all night. Ugh I am so lame. I should go out and get drunk, be free, and kiss random strangers. I don't have a boyfriend anymore and one of the small perks of that is there is no one to tell me what I can and cannot do. We used to have little rules for each other. Not that he ever paid attention to the rules that he had. He was more concerned with what I was doing and he could do whatever. I wasn't supposed to go out and drink or party. His excuse was he didn't trust the guys at college. Hmm maybe he didn't trust them because he knew what he wanted to do so he assumed they thought the same as him. I didn't know it but I got so tired of somebody telling me what I could and couldn't do. Don't get me wrong it was nice to have somebody that cares about your safety but I had a mom for a reason. I loved him though so I listened to him and did what he wanted. He was the exact opposite. Every time I turned around he would have some excuse as to why it was okay for him to break the rules or why it was "just this time". I am just so tired of that bullshit. Why can't people just be honest? Yea it will hurt me. It might hurt me but damn I would rather have you be honest then you lie to me to "protect me". That's such bullshit. You didn't lie to protect them. You lied to protect yourself. When you looked at the situation it was easier for you to lie and get away with it then it was for you to tell the truth and face the music. I am sorry if you're reading this blog and all you see is me talking about my ex. It wasn't meant to be that way. It was more to write about my life and our breakup is a big part of my life right now. Looking back I was stupid to stay with him for so long. I should have seen the signs and realized that I deserved better. No he didn't beat me but it was more of a mental thing. He made me feel like I was a bad person or that everything was my fault. I should have known better when even his mother told me I deserved better. HIS MOTHER! I know she loves him but she told me that she loved me like a daughter and she couldn't watch me hurt myself over and over again. I just need to stop caring and just care about myself right now. Waking up each day it gets easier. I ignore his texts most of the time and I need to just cut him off. I need to make room for myself and being alone. Right now I don't need anybody else. I'll just go to school and work and focus on that. If you are out there and you are going through something similar I feel you're pain and I hope it gets better for you. Nobody should have to go through the pain and hurt that I felt. Then again without the pain we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good that comes to us. So here's to the good, the bad, and the ugly. Hopefully you see more of the good in your life then the other two.

I know its been a few days but its been a hard few days. One of my best friends just up and moved to Oregon and my ex seems to not want to talk to me anymore. I get it he's my ex for a reason. He broke up with me. HE. BROKE. UP. WITH. ME. I have to keep telling myself that. I have to keep reminding myself that he is the ass that left me. He is the reason I cried myself to sleep for a week straight. The reason I lost 15 pounds in a week. Okay last one wasn't the worst of it. It was good to get my weight loss started but I lost those 15 pounds because I couldn't eat. I couldn't take the thought of food going down my throat into my stomach. My stomach knew I wanted to look good. I always lose weight when going threw a breakup. Its like my body knows I need to get in shape. It knows that I will feel better if I look better. Don't get me wrong I LOVE working out. I'm not in the best of shapes. I am slim but I am nowhere near skinny even though my roommate seems to think that I am. Despite that I just can't help but be active. I need to go running, walking, and jogging. My body needs to burn energy. I can't just stay stagnant. Also I always get in this mind set when somebody breaks up with me. Like my mind says screw that person I will make you look hotter and better then you ever did with them. I do end up looking better. I start wearing the right kind of makeup and I lose a whole bunch of weight. Then I see them a few weeks later and they always comment on it. For example my most recent ex saw me at the local fair a month after we broke up. He ended texting me off of his best friends phone because his was dead. Mind you his best friend was also one of my ex's. No I am not a homie hopper. I dated him before my most recent ex ever moved to town. We'll call the old ex C. Well C still kept trying to get back together with me. He kept trying and trying. I just couldn't take it. Not with breaking up with what I thought was the love of my life and then C trying to get with me. You have got to be kidding me. A girl can only take so much. Well anyway my new ex texted me on C's phone because his was dead. This was right after he saw me and it said "That's one way to get a new man". Who in the HELL says that crap. No YOU broke up with ME. That severed your rights to get jealous over me. Gosh dang. Then he had the damn nerve to text me that he missed me! Seriously! Then the next day I find out that he is seeing someone else! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! No I would not be the girl that causes another girl hurt just because my asshole of an ex wants to tell me you miss me. No he didn't miss me. He missed have someone around all of the damn time that he was comfortable with. He missed the constant sex and maybe he even missed the company. I don't know anymore. I feel like I loved way too hard and he just didn't have it in him to love the way I needed.

  Anyway we ended up talking on and off a little bit after that. Just as friends I didn't want anymore. All I wanted to know is that the two and a half years I had spent on him were worth something for him. I felt like I wasted so much time for nothing. Then it was the day before he had to leave and we went fishing. Can you believe that? I went fishing with somebody that had stabbed me in the heart multiple times. I just wanted one day. One day to just be friends. I just wanted no fighting, no expectations, no hurt. He gave me that one day. It was amazing. As I picked him up and we started on our way we joked a little bit. I was biting back my hurt. The pull from him was almost tangible, You could feel it in the air but I ignored it. That was not what I was there for. I was there for the friendship we used to have. For the relationship that started out nearly perfect. I was there to sew up what wound I had and to find closure. He kept looking at me and we were messing around like nothing had changed. Like it was still just me and him against the world. Every once and a while he would mumble to himself telling himself not to do something he might regret. I had no idea why he kept doing it so I just ignored it and kept a shield up. I just wanted a good day that's all I needed. We got to the lake and I parked. We got everything out and started fishing. I saw a rock that I could sit on to fish from and he went down a bit further to make sure our lines didn't get tangled. Of course I got my line stuck on something and he came over laughing and trying to help me. He ended up slipping and we were there. Face to face we froze and all I could do was look into his eyes. The eyes I had stared into so many times. The eyes I had seen crying, angry, and happy. Then he kissed me. It was deep and hungry. The kiss I dream about. I will admit I kissed back. Emotions sprang up inside me I didn't know I was feeling. My kiss was for the girl I when we had first started kissing. It was for the love that we used to have and for the love lost. I kissed back just as hard. I hadn't known it but I had been waiting for that. When he pulled away he sat down. He apologized and told me he was afraid that I wouldn't want it. I knew that it was just for that day. I knew that my love for him could only go so far and that he was moving. I wasn't foolish. I told him I just wanted one day. That was before and I told him after the kiss as I hugged him. I just wanted one day. He pulled back and asked "What if I don't want just today?". I may have been blinded by love before but I wasn't now. I knew that him wanting more than just one day wouldn't work. I couldn't do it and I knew neither could he. That was my day to say goodbye and I made the best of it. I spent the night with him and when I woke up I was pissed but that is a whole other story. We both cried and hugged each other. I knew he'd be happier where he was going and I know it was good for me that he left. I still miss him like hell and he texts me ever once and awhile but I know it won't last. I have a tripped planned to go see his parents over my winter break. Yes I am still very good friends with his mother and step father. He is supposed to be going with me as is his cousin. I will pick her up along the way and we are going to fly to him then on to Oregon. It will be a nice vacation for me, hopefully. I'm hoping my heart is ready for me to see him and know that he isn't mine anymore. I have four months so I can only hope. Have a great night everybody and for anybody out there feeling sad and lonely tonight I am with you. Chin up it will get better. :)