Ugh I know its been awhile but I have been swamped and tired and stressed. I miss sex. I know that is the last thing any of you want to hear but I miss it. Its not just the sex its also that companionship you get when you cuddle and talk afterword. Yes I'm that type of girl. I'm not much for a hit and quit it girl. Maybe I should learn to adjust to my surroundings but I just don't like the idea of having sex with somebody and then leaving. What if they have a disease or what if I accidentally get pregnant. I know that's crazy to think about and maybe I am overthinking it but is that so wrong? My mom always tells me that I overthink things and that's why I can never have any fun. But I have plenty of fun! I mean come on just because I overthink some things doesn't mean that I am a buzz kill. I can have fun I just like to make sure it's not fun that will end up killing me. Me and my roommate have been having fun the past three months we've been in college. We have went drinking, gotten drunk, and had a blast. I did it all without ending up in jail or a hospital so see overthinking isn't always a bad thing. It is when it comes to my relationships though. My ex and I have slowly drifted apart. That is normal I know but it sucks. He was like my best friend but I know he's making a better life and finding new and better people to hang out with. Its just the jealousy that gets me every once in awhile. I am moving on though. Don't get me wrong I am looking for my own fun but it's harder for me then it is for him. Not to be mean but I have high standards. Don't get those confused with impossible standards I just don't want some jobless druggie pulling me down. One of my friends always tells me that you can't help who you love but in a way you can. I learned in psychology class that the feeling of love comes from proximity along with some other fun chemical reactions in your brain. If you stay away then you have a better chance in avoiding unwanted love. So I'm trying to keep my distance. I am still healing but I would love somebody there to go out with and have some fun with. Having somebody there that texts me first in the morning and who is wondering what I'm up to. That would be really nice. My mom always says you always find love when you're not looking. Well I haven't been looking for awhile now and it still hasn't found me. Cross your fingers and hope for the best for me please. Being lonely is never fun. I just hope I can find somebody that really does care. My ex cared but he never loved me the way I needed to be loved and I didn't love him the way he needed to be loved. It was bad and I'll be over it some day I just hope there's somebody else out there waiting for a girl like me.

I have been busy with college and homework as well as with group projects. I hate group projects. First you have to find a time for everybody to get together and that is a nightmare. Then you all have to get together and work on something that nobody really cares about. Then people change stuff after you guys get done meeting and the teacher gives you a bad grade because that stuff wasn't on the syllabus. Really? Really guys you have to be kidding me. It is hard enough to get myself motivated to do my homework let alone get four other people on the same page as me. It is ridiculous. On top of that I swear my roommate hates me. Okay hate might be kind of a strong word. She started hanging out with her friend that she has known for six years and that is totally fine that is her right but its like I went away. She never wants to take pictures with me or go out with me but if her friend asks then shes okay with it. I'm not mad about it or anything it just makes me sad. We used to be close and have a lot of fun its just things have changed and I have to get used to it. Anyway more homework to get to I hope you all have a wonderful night.

It's been awhile since I posted here. I guess I wasn't in a blogging mood. Or maybe I didn't really have anything to blog about. My life has pretty much been the same. I'm still trying to get over my ex, school is still school, and I'm trying to find a second job. Life gets hard when you start having to pay for your own house and utilities. You think its all dandy and then BAM here comes the rent payment. I am ready for break already and its only been a month and a half into school. I'm trying to balance everything between school and work along with trying to go out and have fun. My ex and I had a falling out and are now more towards the not wanting to speak to each other side and I am just wanting somebody to ask me out. I mean I'm not looking for anything serious but I'm definitely not looking for a booty call. I just want somebody to talk to and have some fun with. My workouts have gotten a little tougher and I am trying to lose as much weight as I can. I want to look good and I want somebody to look at me and think of me like I used to think of him. It sucks to have someone there to go to for so long and then to lose them and to have them push you away and not give a crap. I have learned one big thing in my relationship history. There is always somebody who cares more than the other person in a relationship. There is always somebody with less to lose. My first boyfriend was the one that cared too much. He was the one that wanted more from me than I was willing to give. Now with this last one I was the one giving way too much and he was the one not giving anything. I think he loved me in his own way but it was never how I needed him to love me. He never loved me enough to keep me and I want somebody that is willing to fight for me. Is that too much to ask for? I want somebody that cares when we fight and that tries to work with me to make up for whatever it was that made us fight. I don't want somebody that blames me all of the damn time and then acts like he's sorry when it comes to proving that he was the one in the wrong. We were running around in circles and I am tired of running. I want to be the one somebody chases for once. Not in the creepy I am a stalker killer rapist chase but more in the I really like you we should go out sometime chase. Maybe I'm uglier than I thought or fatter then I thought. Maybe I'm not pretty enough to have someone want to chase me. I guess we will have to just wait and see. I hope you have all had a great day and I can't wait to see you again if you happen to stop by in the future.

I know its been awhile since my last post but I've been bombarded by school work and actual work. The more I get into the semester the more crap I have to learn to balance. Writing papers, tests, and quizzes. Like right now I'm at the library waiting for my group members to show up ant they are 30 minutes late. This is not the only thing I have to due tonight and I look a little weird sitting by myself in the library typing on my laptop. This is why I despise group projects. We have something due Sunday and we are just now getting together to figure out what to do with it. Groups almost never work unless you have people that actually like you in them. My love life is messed up, my schooling is long and boring, and I have to get another job. The sad thing is that I don't even like what I am majoring in. I would rather go to be a nurse or a doctor, but I can't afford either of those and I am really hesitant to put myself under a crap ton of loans just to get the degree that I want. I have like a year left and then I will have a Bachelors degree in Business management. Wow that will sure get me places huh? Well I guess I'll just keep doing it until I finish it and see where it takes me. Wish me luck....

Hello everyone! Again. Well the next biggest thing on my agenda since my last post is what I want to be for Halloween. I know it is EXTREMELY early but the earlier I figure it out the easier it will be. This is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the cool air the leaves changing color and Halloween. Its the only time of the year you can dress like anything you want and not get judged for it. Most girls my age go for the "It's Halloween so I can look like a whore and dress in my underwear." Don't get me wrong I like to feel sexy and since losing weight I can't wait to show off my new body. I just don't know what I want to be. I don't exactly know what I want to be yet. Last two years me and my ex were together and we wanted to kind of go together. Also he didn't like me looking too terribly sexy without him so I got my Halloween costumes mostly for him. One year I was his undead bride and then I was his sexy cop. Now that I look back I understand that he was a little too controlling. This year I can do what I want and the possibilities are limitless which makes my decision even harder. I am trying to lose enough weight to look my best. That way Halloween can be a blast for me. I can look good and maybe have a little more fun then usual. I am getting excited and I cant wait to see what's going to happen!! If anybody has any ideas feel free to comment! Everybody have fun I have to go and study for my tests on Friday!

Hello fellow homosapien's. If you don't know what that means I just called you a human so don't worry there was no inappropriate name calling.... yet. So still as confused as ever. I'm not sure I will ever not be confused. Interesting things happened this weekend. My uncle Jimmy died on this weekend twenty years ago and that really sucked for my mom. On top of that my dad was mowing his five archers of land and he flipped the mower over on himself. Yes I know its an odd thing to do and so many people keep asking me "How can you flip a riding lawn mower?" Well its possible. Get a steep enough incline and it will happen. My dad broke 9 ribs and he also fractured his lower back. So that was a fun update to us. Does anyone realize how much an ambulance ride is? Well his was around $10,000. I know I know there are people out there reading this and going "Well as long as he got to the hospital alright that's all that should matter". You're right that's all that really matters until you find out how much you have to pay for two nights in the ER, the ambulance ride, the nurses, the pain meds he was put on, the doctors, and his hospital food. It's a ridiculous amount! I mean there is so much that goes into treating a person in the hospital. If you get hurt its about equivalent of buying a brand new house to fix a couple of broken bones. I feel so bad for my dad though. He is such an active person and not being able to move is really messing him up. But enough of the depressing news. I hope everybody is having a good labor day weekend. It's pretty much a farewell weekend to summer and you start to  realize that soon there will be snow and cold and all of the trees and grass will be dead. I don't mind winter. All of my nicer clothes are winter clothes because I am always in school and I like to look fairly decent at school in case I can pick up some nice looking guy. I'm joking. I am still in love with my ex and it would be unfair to go out with somebody that actually likes me when I know my heart wouldn't be into it. Speaking of my ex I am such a horn dog. He's two states away and he can still turn me on by how he talks to me and just simple pictures of him smiling. I am such a sap. I miss him and I am deprived of certain pleasures. It's not like I couldn't go out to a bar and get somebody to satisfy my needs I am just not that type of girl. A one night stand is not what I'm looking for. I want to wake up to somebody whose as happy to see me as I am to see them. When I woke up with my ex he would wrap his arms around me still half asleep and kiss my neck. Then he would whisper to me not to go. Oh that was the best feeling. When somebody wants you. Just like Jason Derulos' new song Want You to Want Me I want somebody to want me. By the way that was not an endorsement for his songs or him. I just think he is VERY good looking and I like his voice. But I want somebody to want me. I mean who wouldn't? You want to find somebody that loves you for you and makes you excited to wake up next to them everyday. I want that back but I don't know when I'll find it. I guess nobody does. Its like Russian roulette you hit a bunch of duds and then one day you get one that blows your mind. That was a very morbid way of explaining myself but in a weird way it kind of works. Anyway I have to drive back to college so I hope you all had a safe and exciting weekend!! Call your parents if you can and just say hello. You never know when they won't be there for you anymore. Take it from me a parent in the hospital with a broken back sure does make you wake up.

Woke up today and felt like crap. Yep happens sometimes huh? The sad part is that it wasn't because I was up all night partying and getting drunk (which is what I should be doing right now) it was because I stayed up too late. How lame am I? I did homework all night. Ugh I am so lame. I should go out and get drunk, be free, and kiss random strangers. I don't have a boyfriend anymore and one of the small perks of that is there is no one to tell me what I can and cannot do. We used to have little rules for each other. Not that he ever paid attention to the rules that he had. He was more concerned with what I was doing and he could do whatever. I wasn't supposed to go out and drink or party. His excuse was he didn't trust the guys at college. Hmm maybe he didn't trust them because he knew what he wanted to do so he assumed they thought the same as him. I didn't know it but I got so tired of somebody telling me what I could and couldn't do. Don't get me wrong it was nice to have somebody that cares about your safety but I had a mom for a reason. I loved him though so I listened to him and did what he wanted. He was the exact opposite. Every time I turned around he would have some excuse as to why it was okay for him to break the rules or why it was "just this time". I am just so tired of that bullshit. Why can't people just be honest? Yea it will hurt me. It might hurt me but damn I would rather have you be honest then you lie to me to "protect me". That's such bullshit. You didn't lie to protect them. You lied to protect yourself. When you looked at the situation it was easier for you to lie and get away with it then it was for you to tell the truth and face the music. I am sorry if you're reading this blog and all you see is me talking about my ex. It wasn't meant to be that way. It was more to write about my life and our breakup is a big part of my life right now. Looking back I was stupid to stay with him for so long. I should have seen the signs and realized that I deserved better. No he didn't beat me but it was more of a mental thing. He made me feel like I was a bad person or that everything was my fault. I should have known better when even his mother told me I deserved better. HIS MOTHER! I know she loves him but she told me that she loved me like a daughter and she couldn't watch me hurt myself over and over again. I just need to stop caring and just care about myself right now. Waking up each day it gets easier. I ignore his texts most of the time and I need to just cut him off. I need to make room for myself and being alone. Right now I don't need anybody else. I'll just go to school and work and focus on that. If you are out there and you are going through something similar I feel you're pain and I hope it gets better for you. Nobody should have to go through the pain and hurt that I felt. Then again without the pain we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good that comes to us. So here's to the good, the bad, and the ugly. Hopefully you see more of the good in your life then the other two.